Obama in Custody at Secret Facility

Text messages were received from President-elect Barack Obama, believed to be from within a secret facility run by the CIA and used for torture. One photograph was received also, before the cellphone battery went dead. It shows a medic delivering some type of assistance to an Obama bodyguard, who could not speak English.

"I'm fine, but I fear for my body parts," he wrote in the first message.

The popular world figure apparently had the small device in an orifice that passed inspection without discovery.

Black Panther and ACLU lawyers have demanded that Mr. Obama be given $5 million and a flight to Kenya, in exchange for the 5 largest cities of the United States not being looted and burned. A deadline was set for Friday at noon, EST. Homeland Security has ordered all retail stores to stop selling matches.

"What we have here is a lack of communication," said Hamud al Farik Tolulu, spokesperson for BAA (Blacks Against America. "We stole this election fair and square, and deserve reparations if

Brother Barack is not included in the Inauguration proceedings.

The Supreme Court ruled late Monday that Mr. Obama would be welcomed at the swearing in if he would bring his valid Birth Certificate. Mr. Obama declined, and was caught fleeing police in Washington, DC when he stopped to autograph a teens poster of him at the side of Interstate 95 Rest Area, near the Virginia border.

Though tazed repeatedly, he showed no emotion, and gave no resistance. "He just took it and took it!" Officer Stanley "Spike" Stevens told the Obama aides, after he was escorted swiftly to an unknown location.

"He is under protective custody, I can assure you," officer Stevens said, "some of us are professionals here, and would never do anything outside the bounds of the law."

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