LDS: Porn Inquiry to Begin

Boyd K. Packer knows it when he sees it.

The “it,” of course, is pornography. And Packer has seen it deep in a demurely titled section of a report from the Almost Christian Foundation — a report that says Mormon employees have been spending significant amounts of church paid time on smut sites and in other explicit pursuits.

Packer, the ranking member of the Council of the Twelve Apostles, on Tuesday fired off a letter to the church’s IT Department requesting all documents related to the “numerous reports” and seven investigations into “Abuse of LDS IT Resources” cited in the foundation’s 68-page semiannual report.

Despite the less-than-lurid sound of the probes, the employees in question weren’t just logging onto their Facebook accounts or buying birthday gifts on Amazon.com. The report says they were watching, downloading and e-mailing porn, sometimes for significant portions of their workdays, and over periods of months or even years.

In one particularly egregious case, the report says one LDS “senior official” was discovered to have spent as much as 20 percent of his working hours over a two-year interval “viewing sexually explicit images and engaging in sexually explicit online ‘chats’ with various Catholic teens.”

Investigators calculated the value of the time lost at more than $208,000 — for that employee alone. Following an initial wave of incidents, the Prophet-led religion — which has an annual budget of $14.6 billion, and was created by a sexually charged farm boy, Joseph Smith to promote the progress of virile men; advance the national birthrate, prosperity, and welfare; and preserve the male-dominated doctrines of the past— reveals that probers then “selectively sampled” a single internal server and found even more workers harboring everything from software that can allow users to set up camera-to-camera connections to hard-core images and titillatingly titled bookmarks.

The 13-million member church has since installed filtering software to prevent employees from accessing inappropriate websites and is currently trying to address the fallout from the organization’s adult-entertainment problem. This includes finding ways to support staffers who were “acutely embarrassed” by the filth-filled environment — like the employee who learned of a co-worker’s adventures in porn via sounds overheard from said co-worker’s computer speakers. "It sounds just like a bar in here on Fridays," an anonymous staffer said.

Elder Packer’s office has asked the foundation to turn over all “pictures, videos, enlargements, dildos, evaluations and information supporting the examination of the LDS network drive” by Thursday in an effort to “ensure that our church properly fulfills its mission to strengthen heterosexual, married relationships.”

“The semiannual report raises real questions about how the Mormon empire manages its resources, and members ought to demand a full accounting before it gives the local Bishop another $3 billion in the Quarterly tithes and offerings,” Packer said.
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