Obama Files for Chapter 11 Protection

BREAKING STORY - January 21, 2009 - NYT

America files for protection from creditors; largest global bankruptcy in world history.

President Barack Hussein Obama was just leaving the Ballroom guests as he was told to call Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke. The message was brief. The United States of America has just filed papers for protection from its creditors, both foreign and domestic. Both living and yet-to-be born.

"May I have your attention please," he said to a hushed crowd, "I am sad to report that the United States is now defunct." Gasps poured out of the hallways. Several women fainted, and nine Lobbyists went into seizures.

"This is not the end. We will somehow manage, I can assure you," he defiantly encouraged those dignitaries present. "This does mean all normalcy will end, for a few years."

"But..." a Secret Serviceman was heard to say, tearfully. "Don't worry Jeff," Obama told him, "we saw this coming weeks ago. You'll be safe with the lawmakers in Brazil. There's a compound there that can feed and house 2,400 comfortably for 18 months. After that," he grimly lowered his voice, "after that, I'm afraid we'll all have to look for productive employment.

How did this happen? How did a nation collapse, bringing down a world?

The answer is frightfully simple, according to some authorities, "People can only believe several hundred lies per lifetime," reformed porn star Dr. Laura Schlessinger noted, "after that, they catch on."

Wal-Mart announced that all stores would be locked, until further notice. 1,248 container ships were tracked Monday night in the Pacific, and 74% had turned back to Asia and South America.

What's next?

Our reporters were paid up to next Monday, so we will report as best we can, until then?

We advise you to hunker down.

- The Editors
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