Tuesday, January 20, 2009

The Depression Has Been Cancelled

President Barack Obama has divulged to CBS News that his first Executive Order will be to cancel the Bush Depression. "This will save us over $850 Billion immediately, and cause the World Markets to soar," Obama predicted with a twinkle in his eye. "I'll order all stores to remain open 24-hours a day, until the wealth is fully restored to every last foolish risk taker.

Several top Economists who earlier had dismissed this rumor as impossible, later recanted after eye witnessing the President-elect stroll across the Reflecting Pool atop the water, and give ten elderly wheelchair-bound spectators the ability to jump and walk about. One of them asked for manna for her grandson, and Obama whispered something into her ear. She began to cry hysterically, and was taken to a nearby medical staging area.

Truly a love fest beyond anything ever since the world began, Barack Obama has proven that there is no longer a need for Jesus Christ to return. "I will save the people," he said with humility, "I was born to save this world."

Reports of reverse muggings in Washington, D.C. have been coming in. Thirteen gang members were commended with deafening applause and shouts, after using a crowbar and drill at an ATM, then dispensing the funds to those walking toward the Mall. "This is what President Obama is all about!" testified one toothless celebrant, clad in her Cuban woven suger sack.

Reporters at all major media outlets are somewhat cool to the new President. "We need to remain objective, and dispassionate," Charley Gibson, "It's the right thing to do. If we get all over-emotional, there could be fainting and possible rapture."

Mr. Obama indicated that he will reverse abortion restrictions, saying that it didn't matter at all. "I can do whatever I wish," he said, "Just look into the eyes of these people. They are Unified. They're ready to be micro chipped!"

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