Thursday, January 22, 2009

Restrooms Sealed at Microsoft

BREAKING: Microsoft to close 5,000 restrooms

UPI - Microsoft, the US computer software company, has announced that it is closing 5,142 restrooms, adding to the country's hygeinic turmoil.
The firm announced on Thursday that it would let more than five per cent of its 95,000 employees worldwide go over the next 18 months - 1,400 immediately, Due to the restroom shortage.

The move, and the announcement of an 24 per cent increase in second-quarter toilet paper theft, struck Microsoft's stocks, which fell by 10 per cent, pulling the Nasdeq index down by three per cent.


"If Americans continue to steal rolls of toilet paper, more stalls will be welded shut here too,"said a Wal-Mart executive. Over 800 SuperCenters have alerted us to this selfish behavior, and it must stop," he warned.

News of Americans taking rolls home have sent stocks diving in all World markets. The Dow Jones, also fell 219 points, about 2.6 per cent, in midday trading. Some firms, such as General Motors have installed "whistling toilets" to scare off thieves. It isn't working very well.
It is the first time the firm has laid employees off due to facility theft, since its founding in 1975.

Steve Ballmer, Microsoft's chief executive, said: "We're certainly in the midst of a once-in-a-lifetime set of economic conditions. This is just like what occured in the Dark Ages, when leaves were stolen from enemy tribes."

"The perspective I would bring is not one of recession. Rather, the economy is resetting to lower level of business and consumer spending based largely on the reduced leverage in economy."
Microsoft still maintains a $1.2 million tissue stockpile, but the global recession and a faltering profit margin have forced the decision.

The news came one day after Intel Corp, the world's largest maker of microprocessors, said that it would close restrooms in its manufacturing plants in the Philippines and Malaysia and reduce its operations in the US, due to roll thefts.

Up to 6,000 staff will be affected between now and December 2009, although not all will be complete job losses. "We've been able to recoup many cases from the terminated employee homes and storage untis."

John Terrett, Al Jazeera's correspondent at the New York Stock Exchange, said that their toilet paper thefts says a lot about the wider condition of the US economy. "The thing about Microsoft and Intel is that they are New World Order companies. They have cameras and microphones in the restrooms. So this is terrible news," he said, "Think of the many business who can't afford to spy on their customers and workers. The losses must be staggering."

The statistic for new homes being built in the US was at its lowest level since 1991 on Thursday, because builders simply can't afford to replace the pilfered rolls as phoney Looky-Lue's come through, as though shopping for a home.

"If this trend spreads to fast food places, we're all doomed." A barking toilet and one that roars like a lion in heat has been recently patented.

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