Wednesday, February 11, 2009

If Jesus Were Alive Today

UPI - A group of Harvard psychology students have assessed what the most likely personality type Jesus Christ would be, if living today, based upon all known scriptures that were studied using modern forensic analysis.

He would probably be anti-Mormon, about 5'10" and his favorite fast food would definitely be In-n-Out Burgers.

His favorite musical groups would most likely be Roger Waters, The Traveling Wilbury's, King Crimson and Coldplay.

He would secretly adore Andrew Lloyd Webber and Al Pacino, the latter, much to His Mother's disappointment.

He would be living most of His Summers in Brooklyn and spend the Winters in New Mexico or Arizona.

His mode of transport would likely be walking Interstates with a gas can, at times using a Vespa, but having great faith, in His heart would prefer a 1972 Valiant with no brakes.

He would be arrested multiple times for suspicion of child fetishes, but released on His own recognisance and never go to trial, due to His gentle and sincere nature.

Favorite pastimes would include checkers, Karaoke singing and picketing overly-ornate new Mormon Temples. His income would be derived by infrequent Las Vegas sideshows of fountain walks, but His passion would be closing down Hospitals due to lack of patients.

He would be on a no-fly list for statements and jokes ascribed to Him on incendiary blogs that cut deep most accepted institutions of power. Though soft-spoken, He would still be more effective than a blowtorch, even while sleeping, thanks to the Internet and college texting.

He would offend soldiers, scholars, bankers, lawyers and scriptorians from every religion.

Married many times, but most off record, He would be pursued by a flock of attorneys for neglecting child support payments numbered in the dozens.

Most Christians would find His honesty proving Him to be borderline insane, blasphemous and downright rude at times. He would be condemned to everlasting Hell in the minds of those who claim to know Him best.

His most significant contributions would be toward barefoot children, showcasing deep philosophers and exposing globalist aims, devoid of any fluff.

Having ingrown toenails, He would get nowhere with religionists or podiatrists, nor would He attempt to persuade them, anyway.

He would enjoy His own farts, and actually believe his shit smelled rather nice, most of the time.

Only His sheep would know His voice, and so, would forgive the weird antics and His seeming inappropriateness, due to the extreme times and life-saving scheduling constraints.

His only hatred would be collapsible empires and gravel in his sandals.

But not in that order.


No comments:

Post a Comment

Please be respectful to the Office. Pray for our nation.

Geo-location by Web-Stat hitcounter
Loading Map ...