Feds to Adopt All American Families

CAMPAIGN PROMISES FULFILLED AFTER EMERGENCY VOTE

CNN- Congress voted Monday to adopt all Americans, regardless of age or legal status. "You need not worry about anything, ever again," Senator Harry Reid (D-NV) said after the vote passed with wide Senate approval, "we will coddle you for the rest of your life."

Next month's mortgages need not be paid. Auto payments will not be due, either. In fact, all food, utility bills and prescription drugs will be free after next weekend. Even insurance bills will be forgiven.

PERFECT PATH

"We have chosen to go down the perfect path, and we apologize for taking so long."

The program requires that American families be outfitted with a microchip implant, and sign on to an agreement that they will board any bus or train offered to them in coming months. Free trips will be provided for leisure and educational tours.

The American people deserve the best possible, and we're going to give it to them," said Nancy Pelosi, with conviction. "We will be installing comfortable facilities at 107 former Air Force and Army bases," she said, "these will provide a new beginning for a sustainability and a way to show we are serious about saving the planet.

SAFETY IS PARAMOUNT

The vast compounds will have razor wire fences to ensure that no wild animals can approach the occupants. "These fences are for your protection. Do not be alarmed," Reid continued, "as your caretaker, it will be our duty to see that you receive all the care you'll need.

One downside to the new methodology will be that families will be temporarily separated. It may take just a few weeks to be reunited. There will be four types of habitats: One for teen girls, another for boys under 16, the third for men 16 and up, and finally, very fine accommodations for the women over 21.

Families need not pack any clothing as there will be everything provided for the short stays.

GENEROUS CORPORATE AID

Wal-Mart has agreed to see that you'll have all personal and clothing needs met, the moment you depart the transports.

Some have wondered if a repeat of Hitlerian disposals and slave labor camps may be the real motive for the relocations. "Nonsense!" Senator Hatch sternly declared. "We truly care for you."

Church officials have been trained to comfort and guide any who may have reservations about fully trusting a new shift in state care taking.

UNIFIED THUMBS UP

"After prayerfully considering this project," Mormon leader Thomas S. Monson concurred, "the Lord has made manifest that the leaders of our great nation are indeed worthy of our support, trust and complete cooperation."

He urged all Latter-day Saints, and members of other faiths to step up to the buses or trains, as directed, without resistance or skepticism. "I have no doubt whatsoever that this is the best for most families at this time," he said.

Soon cameras for deep surveillance will be installed throughout America's rural deserts and mountainous byways to help detect any who may have become lost during the massive resettlement. Those found wandering will be escorted by military units who will ensure a safe arrival.

THE PRESIDENT'S WORD

President Obama gave his word of honor that this new care taking would not be anything like the Dark Ages or Nazi extermination years. "Our sole aim is to see that every family is completely taken care of, for as long as they live."

Advertisements and schools will begin preparing for the journeys, and even many pop artists have offered to create songs to make the change enjoyable.

ASSETS SECURE

Every detail has been planned for. "You need not lock your doors, nor take the keys out of your cars," said Vice President Biden, "we will have groups of volunteers to see that all your assets and properties are safe. All you need do is to do what you see your friends and neighbors doing: get on the air conditioned buses, and enjoy a movie and games on the way to your new temporary home."
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