Obama to Personally Help Each American

HENRIETTA HUGHES NAMED AS NEW SECRETARY OF DESPERATION

President Obama has just opened the Office of Desperation at the White House. If you have any problem whatsoever, please call 1 202 Get Help. That's 1 (202) GET HELP. If you need help dialing, simply call 911, and tell the operator to put you through to the White House, Department of Desperation. Operators are standing by, 24/7.

Enema Monument to Grace White House Lawn

A Group of Georgian Nurses have won the notice of Barack Obama by asking him in an email to show off their new Enema Monument. He has agreed to allow it to be set near the West Wing during Black History Month in February.

"The enema makes things clear. It makes people feel better," he continued, "It has a lot in common with me."

Sure to begin his Legacy as the 44th and first illegitimate President, he hopes to make a splash in History books long before the public loses the aura of teen idol groupies for him.

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